Loo.me

My cousin Sam Lewis (aka: “Moose”) is pure genius. He’s one the of the funnier writers you’ll ever meet. For your reading pleasure, i thought i’d introduce you to my favorite 3 blog posts of his.  His blog is called “Van Dusen Speaks” and you should make it your home page.

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Here they are with a little excerpt from each:

Number 1: The Captain of the Duke Lacrosse Team’s Time in Prison, as Told by Red in the “Shawshank Redemption” (link)

Day 1: There are some betting days when you know you’ve got your hands reined around the right horse, and when that bus pulled up I knew it was one of those days. They asked me my double down on who was gonna wail first, and I went with the pale faced white boy twirling a stick.

Day 23: I’ve always been known as a man who could obtain certain items. Liquor, dirty magazines, a bag of reefer if that’s your thing. But when Bret Thompson came up to me, it was the first time anyone had ever asked me for a No Fear T-shirt and a shark tooth necklace.

Day 24: The sisters got to Bret that night, making him wish Brine, Inc. made lower body padding. Later on they would know why his plunger was missing from the police evidence locker.

Day 97: So instead of laying tar, we all sat there on the roof on that hot afternoon, drinking those cold Gatorades that Bret’s mom had sent him.

Day 648: That (blasting Dave Matthews over the PA system) stunt cost Bret two weeks in the hole, but for a few minutes he truly felt free.

Number 2: You think you know me, Netflix recommendation software? Well, you don’t know shit (link)

…And let’s talk a little about the “one foreign film begets another” assumption. Just because I randomly order up “The Milkmaid of Avignon” during a bored frantic queuing session doesn’t mean I’m interested in watching just any foreign film. So spare me the instructions to rent some epic tale of a young boy waddling through the Uzbekistani mountains chasing a tire iron. Nor does it mean I will perk my ears up at any movie with a corseted woman on the cover who’s cleavage is about to take over Luxembourg. For your information “The Milkmaid of Avignon” is a gripping period tale of a young woman of humble origins who through courage, determination and unwavering firmness survived famine, the Spanish Inquisition and seeing John Paul Belmondo’s orgasm face. …

Number 3: Holiday Movie Mashup (link)

“My mother the tap dancing penguin.”  directed by Pedro Almodovar

The inspiring tale of a young boy who examines the ups and downs of all his past relationships through the viewpoint of his mother, a tap dancing penguin who one night fell victim to the passions of a drunk and lonely Spanish researcher on post in Antartica. This journey of self examination takes him hitchhiking where he meets Esteban, a traveling defibrillator salesman/fluorophiliac (people who like to rub toothpaste on their genitals before sex) on his way to meditate in the confines of a buddhist leper colony. This transformation inevitably takes him back to his roots, where he himself becomes a tap dancing penguin and strangely adopts the voice of Hugh Jackman, who as the voice of a computerized swimming bird uses slightly more facial expressions than he did in “Swordfish”.(Side comment: There’s alot of talk these days about movies being safe for the fragile minds of young children, but I ask you this: which would frighten you more as a young child, computerized tap dancing penguins or Michael Douglas doing a woman from behind over a desk. I say the penguin, unless the name of that actress has the words Glenn and Close in it).