Loo.me

I was cruising through Blockbuster the other day and saw Kiefer and Reese on the cover of a movie called Freeway. I had never heard of it before and immediately thought it might be a cooler version of the steamy Charlie Sheen/Kristie Swanson (what happened to her?) movie The Chase. So, i went home and ordered it up on Netflix.

I have now just watched it and i’m utterly speechless. That movie was half brilliant, half totally insane. It could be a satire of serial killer movies or it could be one of the worst movies ever, i’m not sure. I’m hoping it’s the former.

Let me fill you in on the plot:

We begin with Reese Witherspoon in school and realize she’s both white trash and a total moron. She can’t read the sentence “The cat spills milk” from the blackboard. On her way home from school to her run-down white trash house she sees her mom (Amanda Plummer) first turning tricks and then getting arrested for prostitution. Minutes later the cops pick up her step-dad (after he does some crack and then tries to have sex with Reese).

Keep in mind, Reese is dressed in a very short skirt and a red leather coat. She’s supposed to be a modern day trashy Little Red Riding Hood.

Anyway, the foster care people come to get her, but she cuffs them to her bed and hits the road, i.e. The Freeway! She stops to get a gun from her gangster (but with a big heart) boyfriend, who immediately after Reese leaves, is gunned down in a drive-by shooting. After being on the freeway for 10 minutes, the car breaks down and she’s picked up by Kiefer (named Bob Wolverton)

While posing as a high-school counselor, Kiefer gets her to open up and bare her soul. We learn about her abuse and how she was molested by her foster parents. Kiefer nods understandingly, then in turn tries to rape her too. Why? Because, of course, he’s the I-5 serial killer (of young white girls) that’s been on the lam for months. Being somewhat crafty, Reese gets her gun and turns the tables on him. She then starts to interrogate him (Why do you kill girls? Have you accepted Jesus as your savior?), and then puts a bullet in his brain and leaves him for dead. After pumping 6 shells into him, she logically goes to the closest diner and woofs down a bunch of pancakes and eggs (i mean, who wouldn’t).

We are now 20 minutes into the movie.

After her meal, as she comes out of the diner, Reese is instantly arrested, interrogated and sent to an all-girls prison. In prison, she starts a fight with the alpha-female (to establish control) and is thrown into solitary confinement. In “the hole” she goes Macgyver-like and make a makeshift knife out of plastic and saran wrap. She is then released from “the hole” and has a lesbian session with Brittney Murphy and literally utters the phrase, “i’ll make out with you but no fuckin’. I’m straight.” She hides a knife in her (literally: it’s in a tampon) and then escapes (using the knife) to Mexico where she becomes a prostitute to raise money.

While she’s on the lam, new evidence comes to light and the cops realize Kiefer is the serial killer (as Reese was saying all along) and she was thus justified in trying to escape from him. Kiefer’s wife (Brooke Shields) is told by the cops that her husband is a serial killer, and immediately kills herself (in another great Suddenly Susan-esque performance).

Kiefer knows Reese is headed to her grandma’s, so he gets there first, kills grandma, puts on her bathrobe and gets into bed and waits for Reese to show up – completing the Little Red Riding Hood theme.

I won’t ruin the movie for you and let you know how it ends, but i’m sure you can figure it out.  One thing i can assure you – all this i just described really happens in this movie. It is completely insane and i enjoyed every minute of it.

If you’re looking to kill 90 minutes and need a completely unpredictable story, you should hit The Freeway up.